Here I am.

Age 51, 3 children, calling myself a Mind Body coach.

Teaching my patients how to achieve their goals, whether it is a new job, quit smoking , weight loss  or finding the love of their life.

It’s pretty amazing seeing the results.

And then comes the question : what about me?

How did I end up sitting in front of a screen talking with people about their traumatic events, trying to find the way to cope with and move on ?

Here is my 10 years time span:

As you could guess it started with a traumatic event in my personal life:

2014 at the age 41 I became the mother of twins. 2 beautiful baby’s made my life complete.

Well 18 months later my baby girl was diagnosed with brain tumor- meduloblastoom -never forget the word, my heart was ripped apart in one moment

2016 – a 7 hours long brain operation ( the longest hours in my life) followed by heavy chemo-treatment, spending most of the time in the hospital,  I barely could breath watching my baby girl and other children suffering, little bald heads, lying down most of the time, tired and weak because of the poison they get as a treatment.

Me, with my perfect nails, highlights on my hair, done by the best hairdresser in town, expensive clothes and designer purse all felt like a big joke, so pathetic and shallow.

Crying every night silently in the white room with medical tools, wanting to scream: Why , why so much pain, suffering? But no voice came out. Thinking back then  the 10 long months of treatment became  the best meditation  time in my life.The quiet oncology  ward was my home, a different dimension, a different perspective of life where death was very common.There is no place for envy, jealousy, bragging about the cake you at  in the hippest spot or your new better paying job ,there is only deadly silence often interrupted   by scream of a sick child, a scream of  pain.

I started to look for some answers, reading articles about children with cancer, wanting to find  some solace, some reassurance it’s going to be fine . The doctors and nurses ,so professional and cold ,never told you a word of faith, they only tell you about  the chances your child have to survive. So frigid , insensitive ,almost hard-hearted I could say. Never ever in my life did I feel so small, so helpless and so vulnerable.

In a few days  a self secure business women, that was having everything under control, giving advise to people about taxes , driving a fancy car, living in an expensive house became a silent shadow following doctors ‘’orders’’, giving full control of my greatest treasure to medical stuff. The following months my life was changed drastically.

I stopped caring about my business like I did for over 15 years , shut down my social media accounts and went totally silent and invisible for the world. That was when i found out that the world did not miss me. 2000 people, who were my clients  for  years, and not a single one that called me to say something kind or positive . I was alone and somehow it felt good. I became a monk : earthly pleasures went off my table for the next 5 years

2017 – life after trauma.

10 moths later we went home, I couldn’t feel a thing, numb as wooden stick, I sat with my daughter maybe 2 weeks doing just nothing. Food was tasteless, my smile ,once my super-power, now wiped off  my face. At home  a bunch of strange people ‘’ helping ‘’ me with my others kids, choirs. I told them to go away. I wanted to be alone with my children.

The following years I made a huge cleanse in my personal and professional life: divorce, cutting ties with superficial , fake friends and  narcissistic family members, selling my business, going on trips to amazing places with my children and educating my self .

Speaking 4 languages fluently I came to realisation : I have nothing to say in any of them. I lost my identity, i don’t know who I am anymore. I needed a meaningful experience, I needed a goal in my life that would make me feel something. So I started to read, listen to all kinds of gurus and famous people to find out who I am, how to live  after trauma and learned  how to quiet my busy , anxious mind with  hypnosis. I became my own therapist, spending hours listening to the music, taking care of my children, doing daily choirs  and reading  about epigenetics, neuroscience and  psychology.

Today 10 years later my daughter( not to mention healthy) became a  extraordinary child with the mind of a grown up  person, at school doing fine, passionate about life, asking question about god, suffering , pain and death.

And Me ? Well ! I found myself , I understand who I am. I developed my own definition of god and life , I am smiling again,I feel joy, I became the best version of my self.

And the most important : I found the peace which is the greatest luxury a person can give to them self. So you see my worst nightmare became my greatest strength.

Today giving therapy sessions, when I ask my patients :

What do you want the most in your life , I hear  I want to be at peace , I want to be calm like you.

Let’s work on it is my response.